What OCD is really like

Countless times I have heard the lines, “Ugh I am so OCD.” Or “Sorry, I am just really OCD.” First and foremost, OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a disorder, not an adjective. Secondly, you cannot self-diagnose because these pictures annoys you. 

   
 
Those pictures would annoy most people. That doesn’t mean you have OCD. While some symptoms of OCD do include things like cleaning and organizing, things like counting and then recounting or checking the doors, windows, the stove, and all the switches in your house are also symptoms. But even that is just one side of OCD. Being germaphobic and agoraphobic are two common symptoms. And hating germs doesn’t mean you have OCD, because let’s be real, who wants to get sick? Washing your hands doesn’t diagnose you, but washing repeatedly or avoiding situations altogether because you could could get something is a sure sign you might have OCD. 

Some of my obsessions include – agoraphobia, hypochondria, fear of allergies, fear of taking medicines (because it may cause a reaction) – some of my compulsions include – avoiding crowds and public places at all costs, refusal to eat and take meds, constant picking (nails, nail polish, glue, skin, etc), washing my bed sheets, pillows, and comforter way too often. These are just some of them. My anxiety is through the roof at almost all times. I need constant reassurance about things, I Google everything, but I cannot push these thoughts and obsessions out if my head. 

So to every child, parent, or teen out there that says “I’m so OCD” when they see one blue sprinkle in a mix of red ones, think about what you are actually saying. OCD is a life consuming and terrifying illness that should not be talked about so lightly or ignorantly. 

(OCD: Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviors.)

Tourettes

My entire PANDAS journey started when I was about 11, although I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 16. Tics were the first thing we noticed. It started with eye blinking which I wasn’t aware I was even doing. I started to develop throat clearing and my mom mentioned it to our pediatrician who said, “Probably a transient tic, don’t worry about it.” It continued on and turned into a full blown cough. By then, I was fully aware I was doing it. It wasn’t too debilitating through middle school or my Freshman Year. But by Sophomore year (when my anxiety and depression set in) the coughing fit louder and more frequent and was accompanied by a head toss. That’s around when I got diagnosed with Tourettes. Currently, I have the cough, I sniff, and twitch. The twitch is something strangers, peers at school, and people at work would so kindly point out to me with, “Oh my God you look like you’re having a seizure, what’s wrong with you?” I’ve had s few other tics that come and go: gagging, humming sounds, grunting, and playing with spit in my mouth. The cough and twitch have been the two constants. And since my illness has been worse, so have the tics. 

Growing up with Tourettes has been extremely difficult. People constantly staring in public, people at school saying “Can you stop coughing?” Or “stop sniffing and just go blow your nose”. Oh thanks, that is sure to help me. And the, “Just try to breathe and calm down.” Because I haven’t given that one a try yet. (a little hostile, I know, just because I’m frustrated by this!)

I understand that some people aren’t aware of what is is but that doesn’t give anyone an excuse to make fun of it. Most younger kids aren’t aware of what it is, most teens only think that Tourettes is shouting and swearing and for some reason that has proved to be hilarious to them. What shocks me, is being out in public and seeing an adult, staring at me like I am an alien when I twitch. People look at me with disgust when I cough as if I am passing some illness to them. And all I want to do is scream to them that I can’t help it. 

I can only imagine this how most kids with PANDAS an Tourettes feel too. It’s like having an itch that will not go away until you scratch it. And even if you try to stop yourself from doing it, it’s all you’ll think about until you do. I can remember sitting in class at school and 45 minutes later I would think, “Wow I barely ticked that entire class. I held it all in. But I didn’t retain anything we just learned, I have no idea what we talked about, and I feel like I am gonna explode.” And that was on a good day where I could try to hold it back. 

Having Tourettes made me feel stressed, depressed, and alone. It’s gotten worse for me, but I am comfortable with myself and my illness. I am grateful to have a diagnosis and doctors, family, and friends who understand and accept my illnesses. To all parents who have a ticking PANDAS kid, I hope this helped you. I know some of you have young kids who can’t exactly explain how they feel. Just know that pointing it out and telling us to stop hurts and makes us feel bad (though I can’t speak for all). Because as much as we want to stop and just turn it off, we can’t. And it annoys us just as much if not MORE than it annoys you.